Paiute3

Clever Doggie A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Naming The Twins A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

Fiscal Bailout Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for the government as a top advisor on the bailout Plan!

Old Cowboy Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens........ An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

A little Irish humor An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....

Smart Parrot A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little? she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill-repute and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff. The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the birds cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, New house, new madam. The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, Thats really not so bad. When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, New house, new madam, new girls. The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the womans husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, Hi, Keith!

What causes arthritis? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here That the Pope does.' MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Elderly Road Trip ....(Remind you of anyone you know?) While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got outof the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

A woman's perfect breakfast 1. She is sitting at the table 2. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box 3. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week 4. Her boyfriend is on the cover of GQ 5. and her husband is on the back of the milk carton

101 Ways to Anoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Funny stuff to make you smile...... I know, you're thinking "I don't have time for this." Make the time, this is really good.. VERY INTERESTING STUFF In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb' ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------ -- ------------ --------- -------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer. ------------ -- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight' ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in oldEngland , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ - Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Its snowing in Las Vegas/Henderson! Dogs are having the times of their lives playing in the court yard. The backyard is just to slippery around the pool to risk. The road to Boulder City is closed, I-15 is closed at Mountain Pass. The airport is closed because of visability, there is snow on the runways. People are driving like idiots. But we're all home, safe and warm. The winter weather advisory is in effect until 6 a.m. Cinda

Congratulations on your new toy! Be sure and post pictures. Cinda

What do you guys think about this? If you agree please send it to your Senators and Congressmen. http://remortgageamerica.blogspot.com/ Cinda

Won't be long now. I had our first son in June and made the mistake of going to watch the Mint 400 off road race a few weeks before, being PG in the hot months is terrible. Hubby made the wrong comment when he came home from work one day and started talking about the girls in their bikinis at the hotel pool, a quick call to my wonderful mother-in-law and that never happened agained (LOL) I guess I was a little grumpy By the way you're looking great! Cinda

George is adding a snorkle to ours as soon as he has time. We were very careful this summer and checked the airfilter before every ride and I still think George had to clean it every week-end. FYI we use K&N's on our Polaris Sportsman 700's year before last we were in Castro Canyon, Utah and the dust (it was very dusty) got past the clean filters and the socks that were on them according to the Polaris dealer here they don't recommend the K&N's for that very reason. We were lucky and the damage was very little. Sorry to hear about your friend, is Joyner going to do anything? Didn't Polaris due recall recently on the RZR when they were sucking dirt. Jimmy? Cinda

Wow we have been having a fun few days. Saturday we had high wind, the back of one of our stalls was torn apart and the neighbor had a huge storageshed on the back of a flatbed trailer that was picked up and thrown to the ground, not much left of it. Sunday the weather was nice and we spent the day repairing the damage and doing cleanup, the pool had over an inch of dirt in it, leaves to be raked and of course the stall to be repaired. Got up this morning to bone chilling cold then by 9 am it started to rain (snow mixed in) its been the same all day, snow is sticking on the other side of the valley from us. Hard to believe this is Las Vegas, we were still warm last week! The grandkids are hoping for snow next week, Grandmas hoping for hawaii weather (LOL)! Hope everyone is safe in this crazy weather pattern the country seems to be in. Cinda

Hey Megz how are you doing? Cinda

Thank you you just made my hubbys day! Cinda

Which GPS has the largest screen? Cinda

Oh Meg she is beautiful! Congratulations! Cinda

What is the weight of a T4? Cinda

That looks like a lot of fun! Thanks for sharing Jimmy! Cinda

Thank you Rocmoc, you're right we prefer trails. Cinda

A Blonde in the Casino..... An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY -Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.