What about joke section

[Sizzler]

What do people think about an area in this forum to tell jokes and funny stories? Or other ideas to get more action here?

[Alex]

I think that this is a great idea. Let me know how you would title it and where you think it should go.

[brostar]

I think that this is a great idea. Let me know how you would title it and where you think it should go.

I'll start the ball rolling.

Did you here about the constipated mathematician? _ _ _ _ _ _ He worked it out with a pencil!

[Paiute3]

Thats a wonderful idea!

Cinda

[Paiute3]

Steve went to a psychiatrist.

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Steve.

Six months later the doctor met Steve on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit , three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A Californian cured me for $10 and a 12-pack . I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how may I ask, did a Californian cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Nobody under there now !!!'

[Paiute3]

No one believes seniors . . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as

childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered,

and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured truck, practically landing at their

feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. She counted

the money - fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and

knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured

car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.

'Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. . .'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta

[Paiute3]

Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don' t ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, fishing or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Back to top

(I thought this was funny, I hope you do also)

[Kinarfi]

I'm gonna get it for this one. Why was Helen Keller such a terrible driver? She's a women!

[Kinarfi]

Have I told this before?

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice

that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the

mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash

can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the

trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the

mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills

first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check

left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, o I go to my

desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going

to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I

don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the

refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the

counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading

glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to

water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,

and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for

the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so

I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll

water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up

the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t

watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember

what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really

baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I

realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,

but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you

know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Don’t laugh - if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming! And if I have

sent this to you before….well, now you know why you’re getting it again.

[brostar]

For the best laugh I have had in years PM me with your email address or e-mail me at [email protected] for a media file (audio not video) of an 8 year old girl who does prank phone calls in Ireland. I tried to post it here but couldn't work it out.

Cheers Mike

[Paiute3]

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving

and says,'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your

mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

Thanksgiving Divorce

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck

they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do

a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,

'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

[Paiute3]

The Bank Job

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out A gun...and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses. He turns around and asks the next customer in line."Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes!"

The bank robber raises his gun , points it to the customer's head and BANG !!!

Shoots him in the head and kills him!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man," Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds ... "No, but my wife did!"

[Paiute3]

Drive Through ATM Procedures

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.

[Paiute3]

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as short-tempered

lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but

how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some

amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange

between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747

pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

[Paiute3]

I just saw this and wanted to share, Don't you think its true?

Some people are like slinkies. They don't really have a purpose but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

[Paiute3]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to

200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take

her someplace expensive....

so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school

reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as

she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend..

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many

years ago, and

I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were

alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know

how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife

kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of

first, the truck, the car, playing golf "

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When

I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the

house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed

her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,

you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started..

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which

one person is always right, and the other

is the husband.

____________________________________________

[Paiute3]

Moose Hunting

HUMOR - Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.

Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."

[Paiute3]

Pirate Story

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?"

"I was swept overboard during a fierce storm," says the pirate. "and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!"

"Holy cow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook, how'd you get that?"

"Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!"

"Absolutely incredible!" gasped the sailor. "And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?"

"A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarrassed, the pirate answered "It was me first day with the hook."

[Paiute3]

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.

[Paiute3]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here.The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered

to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him.He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very Much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of

These approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float Chamber.

I hope this helps.

John

[Paiute3]

Moms in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner!"

[Paiute3]

MISSING HUSBAND

Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect

to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6

seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Fred got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and

sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of

the driveway.

Confused, the wife ran out to the dri veway.

She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[Paiute3]

The Elevator

A country boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother.

[Paiute3]

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentions but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash

after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,

Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. lips sealed

[Paiute3]

Rope A Deer

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up. 3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is

that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.

It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op.

I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like heaven. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened".

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal.

I swear. Not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there.

I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the heaven out of me and BIT me.

It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth).

For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider, a "city folk", I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the ding-butt that tried to rope the deer."

[Paiute3]

Husbands for Sale

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store..

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Paiute3]

A Story

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains

of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in

the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of

the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Vote for

Obama’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ T-shirt, was screaming while

struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from

the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly!!

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers

with “Go Sarah T-Shirts” came racing up. One quickly fired a 44

magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the

bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long

clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the

bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat

in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them.

‘I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic

environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this

is not true.’

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was

that guy?’ ‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact

with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.’

‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom, but

he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait

still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

[Paiute3]

How The Stock Market Works

Let Me See If I Understand This Correctly.

Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man

appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy

monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were

many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started

catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply

started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the

villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their

farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys

for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some

business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers,

'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man

has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the

man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50

each.' The villagers rounded up all their savings and

bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his

assistant again, and once again there were monkeys

everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market

works

[Paiute3]

Farmin' is Tough

man owned a small farm in Alberta.

The Alberta Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Rum every Saturday night.

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[Paiute3]

Border Problems

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to

stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election win is prompting the

exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required

to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of

sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing

their fields at night.

I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a

Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,' said Manitoba farmer Red

Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota .

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. 'He asked me if I

could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a

chance to show him my screenplay, eh?'

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected

higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing

speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. 'Not real

effective,' he said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the

cows so much they wouldn't give milk.'

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet

liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

'A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an

Ontario border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a

drop of drinking water. 'They did have a nice little Napa Valley

cabernet, though.'

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,

often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.

Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration

establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious

ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior

citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After

catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian

immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed

senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to

prove they were alive in the '50s.'If they can't identify the accordion player

on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,' an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are

creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy

just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many art-history and English majors does one country need?