What about joke section

[Paiute3]

A Blonde in the Casino.....

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm

completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!

YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her

clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Longtrack Lady]

This one cracks me up!!

Funny Video

[brostar]

This one cracks me up!!

Funny Video

Longtrack Lady that was funny for sure. Here is a triple decker from NZ

[leenanj]

Longtrack Lady that was funny for sure. Here is a triple decker from NZ

And then there is the man machine burnout!

[Paiute3]

Funny stuff to make you smile......

I know, you're thinking "I don't have time for this." Make the time, this is really

good..

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the

1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed

to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule

of thumb'

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Many years ago in

Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen

Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered

into the English language.

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The first couple to

be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma

Flintstone.

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Every day more money

is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.

Treasury.

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Men can read smaller

print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was

originally green.

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It is impossible to lick

your elbow.

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The State with the

highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of

Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get

this...)

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The percentage of

North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising

a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

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The average number

of people airborne over the U.S. in any given

hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people

have more zinc and copper in their hair..

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The first novel ever

written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

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--------- -

The San Francisco

Cable cars are the only mobile National

Monuments.

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Each king in a deck

of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,

the Great

Diamonds - Julius

Caesar

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------

111,111,111 x

111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the

park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,

the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in

the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died

of natural causes

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Only two people

signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock

and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but

the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all

Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners

name their boats. What is the most popular boat name

requested?

A.

Obsession

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Q.. If you were to

spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you

would find the letter 'A'?

A. One

thousand

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Q. What do

bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser

printers have in common?

A. All were invented

by women.

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Q. What is the only

food that doesn't spoil?

A.

Honey

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Q. Which day are

there more collect calls than any other day of the

year?

A. Father's

Day

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---

In Shakespeare's

time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,

making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the

phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

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It was the accepted

practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the

wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with

all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because

their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the

honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale

is ordered by pints and quarts... So in oldEngland , when

customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind

your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get

the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in

England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or

handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,

they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'

is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of

people who read this will try to lick their

elbow!

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-

Don't delete this

just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read

it.

I cdnuolt blveiee

taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the

first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a

taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This

is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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------

YOU

KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally

enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't

played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list

of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of

three.

4. You e-mail the

person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for

not staying in touch with friends and family is that they

don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in

your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is

home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial

on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house

without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first

20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic

and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in

the morning and go on line before getting your

coffee

11. You start

tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading

this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you

know exactly to whom you are going to forward this

message.

14. You are too busy

to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually

scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this

list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND

FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at

yourself.

[Kinarfi]

Where'd George go and when do you think he'll be back?

[Paiute3]

101 Ways to Anoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your

remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips

into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something

about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[Paiute3]

A woman's perfect breakfast

1. She is sitting at the table

2. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box

3. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week

4. Her boyfriend is on the cover of GQ

5. and her husband is on the back of the milk carton

[Paiute3]

Elderly Road Trip

....(Remind you of anyone you know?)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in

order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got outof the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her

glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

[Paiute3]

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here

That the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[Paiute3]

Smart Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little? she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill-repute and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the birds cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, New house, new madam.

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,

Thats really not so bad.

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, New house, new madam, new girls.

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the womans husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

Hi, Keith!

[Paiute3]

A little Irish humor

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs

the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over

and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent,

looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....

[Paiute3]

Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens........

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

[Paiute3]

Fiscal Bailout

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with

that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government as a top advisor on the bailout Plan!

[Paiute3]

Naming The Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to

get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

[Paiute3]

Clever Doggie

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[Paiute3]

POSSIBLY THE BEST ANSWER TO A STUPID QUESTION ---EVER

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:

"What do you feel... when you shoot a Terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied,

"A slight recoil."

[Paiute3]

A Christmas Story

This one seems to come around every year, but I think it's worth sending out again ...

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas Time?", she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we Sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our Toys". "Very nice Patrick", she said.

"Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

[Paiute3]

Doctors and Gun Owners

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

( Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

per year are 120,000.

© Accidental deaths per physician

is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

( The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups, is

1,500.

© The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner

is

.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends

to this

alarming threat.

We must ban doctors

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

I withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause

people to panic and seek medical attention!

[Paiute3]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,

'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny'skindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

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[Paiute3]

Interesting Letter and Response on Auto Bail-out This is from a friend in Canada

This pertains to the U.S. situation however us guys in Canada are getting hit for a few billion as well....

Abridged letter from Troy Clarke, President of General Motors - followed

by a response from Gregory Knox, President of Knox Machinery:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Employee,

Next week, Congress and the current Administration will determine

whether to provide immediate support to the domestic auto industry to

help it through one of the most difficult economic times in our nation's

history. Your elected officials must hear from all of us now on why this

support is critical to our continuing the progress we began prior to the

global financial crisis......................As an employee, you have a

lot at stake and continue to be one of our most effective and passionate

voices. I know GM can count on you to have your voice heard.

Thank you for your urgent action and ongoing support.

Troy Clarke

President

General Motors North America

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Gregory Knox,

In response to your request to call legislators and ask for a bailout

for the United States automakers please consider the following, and

please also pass this onto Troy Clark, the president of General Motors

North America for me.

You are both infected with the same entitlement mentality that has bred

like cancerous germs in UAW halls for the last countless decades, and

whose plague is now sweeping the nation, awaiting our new "messiah" to

wave his magical wand and make all our problems go away, while at the

same time allowing our once great nation to keep "living the dream"…

The dream is over!

The dream that we can ignore the consumer for years while management

myopically focuses on its personal rewards packages at the same time

that our factories have been filled with the worlds most overpaid,

arrogant, ignorant and laziest entitlement minded "laborers" without

paying the price for these atrocities…and that still the masses will

line up to buy our products

Don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't accuse me of not knowing of what I speak.

I have called on Ford,GM ,Chrysler,TRW,Delphi,Kelsey Hayes, American

Axle and countless other automotive OEM's and Tier ones for 3 decades

now throughout the Midwest and what I've seen over the years in these

union shops can only be described as disgusting.

Mr Clark, the president of General Motors, states:

There is widespread sentiment in this country, our government and

especially in the media that the current crisis is completely the result

of bad management. It is not…

You're right – it's not JUST management…how about the electricians who

walk around the plants like lords in feudal times, making people wait on

them for countless hours while they drag ass…so they can come in on the

weekend and make double and triple time…for a job they easily could have

done within their normal 40 hour week

How about the line workers who threaten newbies with all kinds of scare

tactics…for putting out too many parts on a shift…and for being too

productive (mustn't expose the lazy bums who have been getting overpaid

for decades for their horrific underproduction, must we?!?) Do you

really not know about this stuff?!?

How about this great sentiment abridged from Mr. Clarke's sad plea:

over the last few years …we have closed the quality and efficiency gaps

with our competitors.

What the hell has Detroit been doing for the last 40 years?!?

Did we really JUST wake up to the gaps in quality and efficiency between

us and them?

The K car vs. the Accord?

The Pinto vs. the Civic?!?

Do I need to go on?

We are living through the inevitable outcome of the actions of the

United States auto industry for decades.

Time to pay for your sins, Detroit.

I attended an economic summit last week where a brilliant economist,

Alan Beaulieu surprised the crowd when he said he would not have given

the banks a penny of "bail out money". Yes, he said, this would cause

short term problems, but despite what people like George Bush and Troy

Clark would have us believe, the sun would in fact rise the next day…

and something else would happen…where there had been greedy and sloppy

banks new efficient ones would pop up…that is how a free market system

works…it does work…if we would let it work…

But for some reason we are now deciding that the rest of the world is

right and that capitalism doesn't work – that we need the government to

step in and "save us"…save us, hell – we're nationalizing…and

unfortunately too many of this once fine nations citizens don't even

have a clue that this is what's really happening…but they sure can tell

you the stats on their favorite sports teams…yeah – THAT'S important…

Does it occur to ANYONE that the "competition" has been producing

vehicles, EXTREMELY PROFITABLY, for decades now in this country?...

How can that be???

Let's see…

Fuel efficient…

Listening to customers…

Investing in the proper tooling and automation for the long haul…

Not being too complacent or arrogant to listen to Dr W Edwards Deming 4

decades ago

Ever increased productivity through quality, lean and six sigma plans…

Treating vendors like strategic partners, rather than like "the enemy"…

Efficient front and back offices…

Non union environment…

Again, I could go on and on, but I really wouldn't be telling anyone

anything they really don't already know in their hearts.

I have six children, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of wanting

someone to bail you out of a mess that you have gotten yourself into –

my children do this on a weekly, if not daily basis, as I did at their

age. I do for them what my parents did for me (one of their greatest

gifts, by the way) – I make them stand on their own two feet and accept

the consequences of their actions and work them through.

Radical concept, huh…

Am I there for them in the wings? Of course – but only until such time

as they need to be fully on their own as adults.

I don't want to oversimplify a complex situation, but there certainly

are unmistakable parallels here between the proper role of parenting and

government.

Detroit and the United States need to pay for their sins.

Bad news people – it's coming whether we like it or not

The newly elected Messiah really doesn't have a magic wand big enough to

"make it all go away" I laughed as I heard Obama "reeling it back in"

almost immediately after the vote count was tallied…"we might not do it

in a year…or in four…" where was that kind of talk when he was RUNNING

for the office

Stop trying to put off the inevitable …

That house in Florida really isn't worth $750,000…

People who jump across a border really don't deserve free health care

benefits…

That job driving that forklift for the big 3 really isn't worth $85,000

a year…

We really shouldn't allow Wal-Mart to stock their shelves with products

acquired from a country that unfairly manipulates their currency and has

the most atrocious human rights infractions on the face of the globe…

That couple whose combined income is less than $50,000 really shouldn't

be living in that $485,000 home…

Let the market correct itself people – it will. Yes it will be painful,

but it's gonna be painful either way, and the bright side of my proposal

is that on the other side of it is a nation that appreciates what is

has…and doesn't live beyond its means…and gets back to basics…and

redevelops the work ethic that made it the greatest nation in the

history of the world…and probably turns back to God.

Sorry – don't cut my head off, I'm just the messenger sharing with you

the "bad news"

Gregory J Knox

President

Knox Machinery, Inc.

Franklin, Ohio 45005

[Paiute3]

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-oholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple,Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry: January is just around the corner.

[Paiute3]

And Then The Fight Started

*When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... **and then the fight started....**

*********************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' **And then the fight started.....

*********************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' **And then the fight st arted.....

******************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' **And that's how the fight started..... *

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[Paiute3]

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[Paiute3]

It's The Way you Say It

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.

He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"

[Paiute3]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends.

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Paiute3]

Wrong Email Address

This one is priceless... A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate theirtravel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his roomso, he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

A fter reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send email's to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

[Paiute3]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman : Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman : I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman : Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman : Murdered the owner?

Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral of the story: Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[Paiute3]

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room.

The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S& H greenstamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

[Paiute3]

How Observant Are You ?[/size]

This test can be more difficult than it looks -

it just shows how little most of us don't really notice everyday things!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or

have known about all our lives. How many can you get right?

These simple questions are harder than you think.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around!

No getting out of your chair!

No using anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7)

Write down your answers as you go.

Check answers (on the bottom),

AFTER completing all the questions.

REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!!

That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk..

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA ? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty 's torch?

4. What six colours are on the classic Campbell 's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

(Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

ANSWERS

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM

2. How many states are there in the USA ? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty 's torch? RIGHT

4. What six colours are on the classic Campbell 's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

RIGHT

7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe re! d or white? RED

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT

14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT

15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneeze, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? * , #

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER